OK, so I am a liar. Big. Fat. Liar. So much for my blogging once a week. I am barely doing the once a month thing. Now that we all know not to trust me, let's not let that become a wedge between us, harboring bitterness, festering like a wound, until it finally explodes one day on the old lady at the grocery store, who casually mentioned there wasn't a good selection of produce, clearly alluding to the fact I have not been attending to exploiting myself via the interweb as of late.
With that out of the way, life is such a funny thing. It has such a funny way of sneaking up on you.
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out.
Helping you out.
Hmmm, that sounded like a song? Where was I...life really is such a funny thing. A beautiful, ugly, wonderful, harsh, adventurous, and hard thing. And God is constantly, in His ever-loving, gentle, and sometimes not so gentle way, teaching me and refining me in areas. These are at times areas I am directly aware of already, at times areas I am vaguely aware of, but may not want to face up to at the moment, and still other times I just plain don't even realize they exist until the Holy Spirit oh so patiently points them out to me.....over and over and over. Alas, twas the case with this particular issue.
As some are aware, I haven't had the best relationship with my mother for a variety of reasons. Growing up with a mother that was an undiagnosed and unmedicated bi-polar until the age of 15, made for some excruciating memories. These were memories not talked about within our family circle, nor really even alluded to until several years ago. On the one hand I feel like they are vague and nonexistent to my mother, while perhaps on the other, magnified or exaggerated for my siblings and me, although I wouldn't know because we have never talked about them or her in that way. Due to this, unbeknownst to me, (and sometimes beknownst :) ) I have had some bitterness and resentment built up toward her, and truthfully did neither fully care, nor fully recognize it. I have always admired and noticed when other girls have really great relationships with their mothers, but honestly didn't even desire for myself because 1. I didn't think I needed or wanted it since I was not used to it, and 2. I did not think it was attainable,(a lot happens in my subconscious apparently)and took for granted as an unspoken truth that the relationship I have had with my mom, was, is, and always will be the same. A static relationship with no real depth.
However, enter the Lord Almighty and His sweet, sweet, nudging and prodding Spirit. Over the course of the last couple months I have been slowly feeling the Lord layer by layer, pulling at and tugging away, the veil over my eyes. He has been sweetly singing in my ear lullabies of love, life giving words, breaking the bondage of lies the enemy has deceitfully whispered for years, until I no longer distinguished them as such, and bestowing graciously in me an alien desire and appreciation for my mother. He has been planting seeds of restoration in my heart through His word, sweet people He has placed in my life, and my truth-speaking husband. It is all such a work in progress, but if these are to be the words forever cemented in my mind's eye, these words I write here to both remember and regret, then I want to accurately chart the voyage He is taking me. I want to be honest in all things, both my successes, ever giving Him the glory, as well as my failures, being able to look back at one more notch on my life staff and say, "For He is good."
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