Ultrasound News

Sad. Brokenhearted. Grieving. Dreams shattered.....Disappointed.

What are you thinking right now? Someone died? Diagnosed with a rare terminal disease?

Probably not, a perfect ultrasound of a perfect little baby....GIRL? One that I had expected and hoped would be a picture of a boy? Nope, probably not what you had in mind. Those all seem like harsh and extreme words to use when discovering the precious little one you were blessed with in the first place is not who you thought HE should be. Instead HE is a SHE. Sounds ungrateful, selfish, wrong. And yet, those are the exact words I would use to describe the way I felt yesterday upon reading that one little word on the ultrasound screen....girl.

That's what it looked like. That one little tiny unassuming word in all lowercase letters, absently and deftly typed in with the ease of a million sonograms. One word that should have made any other normal person happy. Happy, just to know, happy just to see, that their little one was so perfect and healthy and had an identity now. Yet, was I that person? No. Instead, that one little word ruined my entire afternoon and the following night's fitful sleep. As I read that word, one silent tear slowly seeped down my cheek.

Believe me. I know how all this sounds. It sounds like anything and everything I have said until this point,(if you've ever heard me talk about this subject) I am now retracting and going back on. It sounds as though I have completely forgotten that I once had trouble myself conceiving, once miscarried, and now carry a very real burden for those who struggle in that area. Basically, it just sounds like I'm a b***h and have completely taken for granted, a blessing so precious of that of carrying and creating new life, that I have the nerve to be pissed off about getting a girl when I wanted a boy. I know it sounds that way. And yet, it is not completely that way.

I'm still sorting out all my feelings, but with morning comes new light and new perspective. With morning comes dancing and laughing and new possibilities. You see, I grew up in a home where I was extremely close with my father and not so much my mother. I grew up running to him with absolutely EVERYTHING...even down to my monthly unwelcomed visits if you get my drift. I grew up playing catch with him and my brother, kicking the soccer ball around, my dad timing me on sprints, and honestly just doing a lot of "boyish" things. I never went shopping with my mom. We never went to the movies or store even, by ourselves. I didn't gravitate toward hanging out with her or doing "girl" things. Sure, I would play with dolls like any other girl, but would then run out and drop them from the tree into the mud to see how far they would fall without breaking. I just never really felt a strong connection with my mother.

I know that sounds harsh, but I don't mean it to at all, but am simply stating how I have always felt. I love my mother immensely, have gotten many of my characteristics from her...my sense of humor, my carefree spirit, not to mention my headaches (another post entirely). The thing of it is, we just never really connected in a typical mother-daughter way. A lot of that probably has to do with the fact my mother was/is bipolar (takes medication now for it) and childhood for me and my siblings was not your typical, mom makes meals for children when the children get home and lovingly pats girl's hair while winking at boy across table, as shown on many t.v shows. Shows where you wonder where these images come from, and where the real people they are based on live, so you could sometime just wander over to see what a quiet family life where everyone seemed to love each other was like.

So, I think a great deal of my childhood and how I was raised, has factored in to this point in my life....the point where I should be blissfully happy and thankful, and yet feel now very lost. You see, because of all I have said here (and so much more that would honestly blow your mind that I couldn't write about it now) I guess I have never really seen a need or use for a mother/daughter relationship. I have never seen a use for a mother in a girl's life. I have looked forward to all the things I will do with Eli and who I thought was to be my other little boy, have imagined all the things we will do together, and how my husband and I will mountain bike with our boys, coach them in soccer, teach them to throw a baseball, just do boy things....do active things...I haven't ever thought of what I could or would do with a girl because it simply seemed like a non issue, something that didn't need even considering. I have never hung out in groups of girls (save for my awesome college roomies) have never really liked girls all that much (I embrace fully being a girl mind you, just not with other girls as much)think most seem to be boring, not funny, not adventurous, only concerned about fashion and material things, and not smart. Sorry, again harsh. I know there are plenty of women out there who prove that thought wrong, but that is how I have always felt and have gravitated toward hanging out with the guys more. I honestly even have more fun sometimes just hanging out with my husband and his friends (who I often consider to be better friends with than some girls). I've always been that way and many times will be in a group of girls and you would be able to tell when I was no longer interested, my mind wandered, or I just didn't care. Usually around the point diets and clothes become the focal point, I'm out of there.

My point to all this, is that reading that one little word initially felt like the death of a dream, of a life I had envisioned, completely snuffed out. It felt like the end of my world, like I would now enter into a world I have truly never been a completely part of, a world I have always felt left out of, and like I didn't fit in. And now a world where I would be thrown into head first, with no choice whatsoever, but to exist in that world and learn to grapple through it. This may sound extreme to some of you, but that only means you really don't get just how drastic a place I have been coming from, and that's OK. Again, I realize how it all sounds, but in all these feelings, I have never not loved this little one, have never not felt protective of and the guardian over, have never forgotten that it is a blessing to carry a little life. I have simply been wading through my feelings of disappointment of a world lost, trying to embrace a world gained that is foreign to me. I'm burying (for now at least) my vision of my two little boys running around together, instead trying to picture my little big brother and his sweet sister. It will take some more time, but I know I will grow more excited with each day and as I let go of who I thought I was carrying, and really cherish who I AM carrying. It will take the sweet Lord helping heal the hurts in my heart and life that have caused me to feel this way. It will take His patience and grace to help me wade through this and move on.

I already today have and am embracing the idea more. I went out and bought a couple girl things to get me pumped. I must say, it did help a little.