This is one of those days I just MUST write. No known reason, no known direction, just words a flowing. I have been feeling a restlessness lately, deep down in my soul. It's a restlessness stirring up discontent inside me. It keeps poking and jabbing, wiggling it's way right smack into the middle of my mind, until all I can think about are all the things with which I am dissatisfied. The interesting thing is, none of the "things" I'm angsty over are material or physical things. It's not that I necessarily want more money, a bigger or different house, a more tone body,(the list could go on I'm sure)but instead, have a quiet heaviness over intangibles.
I'm so conflicted over facebook, this blog, phones, social media in general. Actually, those are symptoms of the real problem, catalysts even that seem to stir the pot in my soul. I feel like I'm being sucked into the portal, drinking the koolaid, so to speak. Before we know it, everything and everyone is accessible, nothing is sacred, everyone tries the game of one-upmanship, bigger and better, best and perfect foot forward, I want it NOW and with a snap of the fingers, or click of the mouse. I know I am just rambling now, but I have had such a heavy heart about all this and the direction our society, or bringing it even closer to home, my family is headed. I don't want to be on a computer, talking on a phone, texting, or watching T.V all my life. And I CERTAINLY don't want my children living a stagnant life like that. I want to read, play soccer, run, sew, play games with my children, laugh with my husband,cook, be fully present all the time, in a way that is becoming increasingly difficult in this world. With the increase and advancement of technology comes a huge price to pay I believe. I am struggling to balance it, sure I am by no means what most would refer to as really into social media, technologically savvy, or even really up to date on it all, and yet maybe too much for my own liking.
Ahhh, even this blog one minute I love writing it, the next minute I feel self-awareness knocking at my back door, asking if PRIDE is there to come out and play. One minute I think maybe, just MAYBE one little thing you write that the Lord has/is dealing with you in or bringing you through, will encourage just ONE person who might read your story. Then the next minute, I am being plagued by my conscience asking me if I really am writing because I love writing and would love to encourage others, OR is it because you want attention, want to be known, want to have others think you're really neat, really cool, really vulnerable, oh "she's really real." When I think about it that way, the latter, it makes me want to puke, to weed out all that crap, all the selfish motivation, all the pride in anything. I don't want to have pride in anything, but Jesus. Let me boast only in Him, to make much of Him. And yet today I just feel icky and want to scrap the whole thing, wondering if that really is my singular motivation. I want to write, write, write and not tell a single soul. I want to chuck my computer through the window and never go on facebook again and have everyone telling me how perfect their lives our while I feel such disgust for the very thing that also keeps me connected to so many friends. About twice a week, I start to deactivate my fb account because I just feel like it's too much of a cloud of comparison that makes you feel like your life might not measure up, and then decide that I can't because it's my point of contact with soooooo many people from different seasons and actual states in my life. So, for this moment I guess the benefits outweigh the negatives for me, but it truly is moment to moment and pushing me to renegotiate some things in my life. I'm not even sure all this made sense or what, if any, conclusions I have come to, but I do know this is the Holy Spirit's prompting once again, because anytime I feel this heavy about something, this uncomfortable, dragging my feet a bit, it turns out to be Him sharpening and weeding me some more.
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Yes Rachel I read it right away. I refreshed right as you posted it!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I talk about this often. That is his JOB. Social media! I love taking whole days or a few days at a time OFF from all of it. Solitude is a beautiful thing in our walk with Christ and that means unplugging from all of this that pulls at us of course. Not forever-because we are relational beings and God created us for that, but it sure can be exhausting to "keep up" I think you seem to be super balanced about it though, otherwise you wouldn't be asking these questions. ;) I love reading your blog by the way!